I HAVE OFFICIALLY MOVED. since steph and kim don't post here....and i'm not going away anytime soon, i set up a new home for myself at

beingreal.diaryx.com

so, go there to hear about my life and whatnot. if nothing else, it has a nicer background = ) i'll post this long one benether here there, so don't worry about missing it. that's all.

Ever have a story to tell, but no way to tell it....even if you could find the words to explain the pictures in your head, there isn't a soul in the universe that would understand?

Yeah...

Like, the Captain Vegetable Song from Sesame Street that no one remembers but Elisabeth and I....or everything that happened in my life during the last four days...

It's a strange life...every has claim to say that i suppose. today, i feel like my right is more than the next guy.

I'm not quite sure of anything, i know that all i wanted today for some reason was maccaroni and cheese and for no clear reason it was absolutely impossible for me to get maccaroni and cheese. weird.

I never liked playing pretend. Never "house" or "doggies" or even Barbies. I always worked on practivel things--like being different from my sister, and building lego machines for James. Now, it seems that all I have is pretend. my whole persona is merely a creation of my imagination...sort of. I want to go back to the honesty and simplicity of my childhood, then i think about it, and then I change my mind. I want to move forward...if all the lies are behind me, there has to be truth in front of me. a reality that hasn't been formulated by my thoughts, instead by The Creator. There are histories to be written and lives to be changed. I have responsibilities in the real world out there. outside of my day-dreams, my day-terrors. Still it is easy to sit in a self-induced (drug-induce) coma of thought, and drama, and semantics, and guilt. That needs to change.

If all the world is really a stage, i'd like to be the janitor who sweeps up after the audience leaves. put me behind the scenes, without the make up, without the lines, without the characters and the directors.

In the beginning was God.

Truth.

A plan.

I need to find that plan, i need to find that Truth. Above all, i need to find God.

And not the god that is plastered on the overhead screen on Sunday morning, and not the god who is glued on the back of cars in the shape of a chrome-colored plastic fish. Not the god who people use as a scape-goat or a modifier in thier cusses.

I need to find God. The one true God. The one who cares for the lilies, and the sparrows, the one who loves with the love in 1 Chorinthians 13. The one who has walked beside me every second of my life waiting for me turn and say hello without pretending, without a mask, without everything but me.

Even if i never discover who "I" am, i MUST discover who He is.



These white pills are NOT kind.

I have to sleep.

promises from God + ENORMOUS mistakes from Helen + consequences from God + Grace from God =

if anyone has the answer to this equation, let me know. i got in an arguement about grace and how even God showed moses grace, but moses was never allowed to see the promised land, and so on and so forth.

there are so many awesome things that God has promised me, but with those promises offered warnings, or advice, or whatever you want to call them, about refusing temptation, and not giving in to sin and myself. i give into myself every day..

another day, there are holes in my face and i am getting crabby about it.

God, answers? please? maybe half of one?

answers or not He (YOU) are always faithful, and that makes me cry--mostly in a good way.

two midterms to study for, one phone call waiting for, two giant holes in my jaw, and one half-swollen cheek. all in all, i'd have to say that i am extrememly grateful that God still is willing to share His grace in my life. i made some bad choices this week, and have a bruised ear lobe to show for it--don't ask. still, my wisdom teeth came out, i'm not all beligerent, angry, crabby, and in pain--the vicodin sems to be helping with the last one--i spent two hours this morning watching spongebob squarepants with my dad and ate extra salty mashed potatoes that my mom made for me while my brother searched the internet for more mozart to download for me. i am never ceased to be impressed by the forgiving nature of my Lord. wow. you'd think that by now i'd feel that i owe Him something and try harder not to revert to a more sinful me...think that i've finally crossed that line though. i certainly hope that I have. there doesn't seem to be any other way to express my thankfulness, love, or awe for God...

that's all for today. i think i'm going to go chill with my new, old friend--and then with my business textbook = )

I am apparently really bad at writing here. hmm. sorry. there really isn't hope of that being fixed any time soon. there are far too many more important things in my life that need to be changed. lately i have been made more and more aware of how vast my problems are....oh well, the best i can do is seek after God and strive to honor Him with everything. i guess that's the best that anyone can do. hopefully it will change me. i don't see how it couldn't.

i'm procrastinating my homework here, so i am going to go.

Now, i have school. funny how my attitude toward wanting a strike over can change from one minute to the next. last night i found out that this morning i have to get up, get ready, and get out (preferably with all my back homework done). let me tell you, i certainly was less than pleased. hmm. funny.

anyway, this week i am looking for more. more than the norm. more than pewny prayers as i fall asleep. more than i know, and more than i have known of God. i need to be a different person. this can't be another "wolf" cry. it has to happen. it has to happen soon.

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

Still on strike, with no end in sight. hmm, i am trying to arrange my life in a way that will make all of these days off profitable, but i have surgery on wednesday in the middle of the day...maybe they will change it to earlier, then i can go to work after that.

It's 9, almost 30 on a saturday night...i like how i burn myself out all week long so that by saturday night i go home at 7 to take a nap. Gross. even grosser is the fact that i laid in my bed for an hour and almost a half and slept for, at most, four minutes. GROSSER. So i have about 350 dollars for surgery right now...not bad. my dad billed some customers so i may even be able to save the money i have been saving for surgery for a car!!!!! FANTASTIC! God is so much fun sometimes. He figures everything out for me...one of these days i'll remember that in the midst of a bad day and actually ACT on it.

last night i was in such a gross mood. not even sure why...except that i was way burned out from threee 14 hour work days in a row combined with staying out way past the pm the nights inbetween. Seems like a reasonable explaination to me. Still, driving home all i wanted was to fall asleep in his arms...not even IN his arms, just near them. maybe i just wanted to feel protected...to take a break from being in charge and protecting and loving, and just to BE loved and protected. I love my kids so much, SO MUCH..sometimes i feel like i'm in a bad relationship though...you know? kids are just kids, and i know that they really do love me--they try at least--but more often than i can take in successive fourteen hour days, i feel like my life is full of unrequited love. Charlie, don't stand on the armoire you fall and hit your head on the door frame, i don't want you to get hurt. Charlie, please get down, i know you're very big but the ledge isn't big enough for your feet. Charlie, GET DOWN. Ok, ok, what hurts the most? lets get ice. I'm sorry you're hurt, next time get down when i ask.

and so on and so forth

we talk about listening and respect and obedience all the time...and sometimes it's hard for four and five year old boys to remember the difficult concepts. Sometimes, after hour upon hour of scolding and boo-boo kissing i feel...hmm. i guess i don't really know how to explain it exactly. some sort of a mix of disappointment in my self, sadness, dejection, unloved-ness, frustration, love, hope, and a few other things. Mostly being a 19 year old mom of three, or four, or six, wears me out emotionally and i can't really handle it by the end of some nights. I feel like i need positive reinforcement about who i am, on the inside and the outside.

anyway, i will try to finish this after church. now it's 3...i need sleep.