apparently, i'll never get over the jerk. there's no hope. I sit before my computer at 2 am, dreading my last day of work tomorrow...with no feelings for mike. none. i don't like him, i don't love him, i don't want anything to do with him. Yet mere hours ago erica and i ran into him and KT at the mall and my heart beat all fast, i got all nervous, and all this other stupid uncomfortable crap. Moreover (that's for you steph), i just read an online journal herolding the joys of spending an afternoon with him...ARGH. the expostulation is for the way my whole insides sank as i read it. i have completely destroyed my own emotional health with a few stupid choices. I was telling steph, wednesday night i realized that there's a connection there between us that will never just go away. as much as God is gracious, and forgiving, and as much as anyone ever loves me in the future that chain will always be there. it's tearing me apart. i've spent the last 5 months (yesterday was five months broken up, by the way) working towards us being friends--i waited and waited for him to be ready, only to realize that i am not, and never will be. There's no other way to say what's inside me right now...so i'm going. the sun will rise and life will go on. people are stupid--i'll learn from this eventually.

somedays i feel like i'm not supposed to be here...not suicidally, but just generally in the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong things with the wrong people...i usually feel this way after i make a bad choice--apropriate i supposed.

utterly confused--not much to even talk about, or try to organize. it's time for me to run away from everything for a while...difficult since one of my best firends is leaving, and the other just got home--but i know you two will understand. This past semester has been much less difficult and demanding than expected, yet the toll still seems overwhelmingly debilatating.i need to be able to function outside the realm of loud and giddy, loud and frustrated, loud and angery, loud and ambivelant, or quiet. I need to just be me...tonight, i wonder who i am. (hormones are bound to be playing a role in this so disregard most of what i'm saying, forget the words, listen to the "essence" as any random english professor would say) As of my final tomorrow, i'm disappearing, i'll come back when Jesus and i are on the same page again--i've got a lot of page turning to do...i'm shutting my computer off, turning my cell phone ('s ringer) off...i think that this will be good. scary and weird but good. Be sure i'll call you with any big fun great news.

Steph, maybe don't worry about probing squash. i think i'd rather not know and just go on believing that his answer to you would be 'no'
kim, i'm glad you'll be home all summer. time walking is imminent.

have a good night girls, and a good few days. i love you both so very much.

complicated and artistic. hmmm

Finals, tomorrow. Then, the beginning of the rest of my life. Not really. The beginning of watching children to make a living. The beginning of 9 credit hours of summer school. the beginning of learning maps, and western civilization, and ecology. The beginning of a summer, and of a time in my life that i have absolutely no understanding of. The beginning of real time to spend with God. The beginning of a coherence in my life and choices. The beginning of direction. The beginning of the end of stupidity. Please. I don't know where i am, i don't know what i'm doing, i don't know where i'm going, but i know "I Am", and i know He knows. When life gets rough, try harder...work THROUGH struggles, develope perseverence, run the race, fight the fight, win the prize, achieve the destiny, rid yourself of the things of this world, accept a clean heart, grace, love, and peace. Forgive others and move on.

Free Association--vocab word number 78.Definition: see above. Psychology final, 8 am tomorrow morning. Fatigue, worry, recall, memory, short term...

The End.