Having just been confronted with the first line of my last entry, i would like to take a second to chorttle at the irony presented..."there's something dramamtically wrong with me" hmm, maybe the problem is the dramaticism...maybe not, but everything is certainly exacerbated by my affinity for dramatizing my whole entire life.

I had fun tonight, laying in the bathtub reading (Philip Yancey's new-ish book Soul Survivor--it's really good), peeling some stupid sticker stuff off of the frame of the print i got for mike (i'm gonna paint it bright green--the frame, not the print) for his birthday, going ot starbucks (really, nothing could be more enjoyable than that), and pretending to be a rock star (moreover, realizing that my rock star potential is slim to none)....adn thus ends the worthless use of parenthetical notations.(no, now it has ended) TEE HEEEEEEEEEEEE

Today has proved unfruitful in my search for a better understanding of my tragic flaw...if i was Oedipus, it would be easy, Achilles, even easier (except i wouldn't be able to spell my own first name--that would stink a lot). Unfortuantley (or fortunately as the case may be) I am Helen Amanda Johnson...nordic, north shore (kind of), white(there's no mistaking that one), american, teenaged, girl(STUPID girl nonetheless). Flaws are endless. Finding the one i'm looking for is certainly proving to be a difficult task. (so much for the end of parenthetical notation, eh?). I had some good conversation with God today, not that we really got anywhere...but sometimes that's the best talking of all. Sort of an affirmation of the blind faith that i have (yes, there is indeed some in here somewhere--i may be a control freak, but it's impossible to live without faith).

I don't really know where i'm taking this one, and i should go to bed. Maybe God will help me figure all this out while i sleep (stranger things have happened) Love you both so very very much.

There's something dramatically wrong with me. I think. Not physically (besides this stupid cough that plagues me in the night hours) but on a deeper, more destructive level. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just simple pride. The root of all sin certainly can be blamed for a good deal of crap, but i'm not sure if that's the best answer. What is it that enables me to be in the greatest situations (in everything, socially, economically, spiritually, really everything) and then just do one stupid thing that heaves me into the pit (hot-tub in hell if you will, or won't, i think it's funny - thanks steph and melinda)? Take, for example, seven or eight months ago. Everything is so incredibly perfect. At elast as far as i can recognize and POOF one stupid choice and everything is gone - of course, i can't admit that right away and go on pretending (lying really) that everything is still so perfect. An immediate displacement from the Lord's side to completely engulfed in sewage and separated from what i needed most. There is something wrong with this. Human nature? maybe, but that's a lame lame lame excuse, that's like answering "cause Jesus says so" in sunday school when you're ten. That is unacceptable, as my mom would say.

I have to go to English now...i don't know if there's more to say about this or what. I know i hate it. Once i can figure it out, you had better believe it's getting ripped out....finding it may be the problem - i don't like to have a lobotomy when i have a headache, i'd like to avoid a similar action in this case....maybe i have brain cancer though, then it's all coming out. At anyrate, sorry if this is depressing it's not intended to be at all, just refelction. Talk to you later