sixteen hundred dollars. who has that much money sitting around? i certainly don't. but to get my damned wisedom teeth out that's how much i'll be needing. sick. stick me with NEEDLES then make me pay you more money than my car is worth. gross gross gross. i am a little frustrated about all this if you couldn't tell. hmm. yeah. i am gonna go pray about this, and everything else. stop complaining and start doing. that sounds like a good idea = ) anyway, bye

i am swimming in a vast array of college information, textbooks, stock facts, and dirty clothes...my room stayed clean for a while. now, not so much. although i can still see a good portion of the carpet.

the last two days have been frustrating to say the least, nothing really astronomical has happened, i've just beeen generally stressed out and unhappy. I think that a lack of God time combined with a lack of sleep are the cause of this most recent....ness. which sucks mostly ecause i should be doing something about that and i'm not. i need to start acting and stop talking. did you ever notice that when you motivate yourself to change, that's exactly when life gets more frsutrating. some people attribute that to demonic attack of some sort, like satan is working agaisnt me cause he kows that i'm trying to grow in the Lord. Dont' get me wrong here, i believe that Satan does work against us, but i have a hard time attributing naturally occuring instances to his prowess. i think that when stuff like this happens, it's more due to a greater insight into how much change i actually need to push myself through. you know? i would never know how dark night itme is if i never opened up my curtain to look at the blackness of the sky...likewise, i may recognize a need, but cannot decipher how great that need is until i've jumped in and am falling down the whole towards the abyss. so, yeah. i have got a lot of climbing to do. all this needs to be taken care of. NOW. i need to grow up. NOW. i need more God. NOW.

The further i get from you, the closer i want to be
The closer we become, the further we should be
Answers are out there somewhere. far out there.
Neither for here, nor for now, nor for there, nor for then
Answers only come in secrecy. tip-toeing into
and out of my life.

One day, everything will make sense
One day, none of this will matter
One day, i will have answers
One day, you will be able to say
Here, there, now, never
ever?

It's late and i'm tired. that's me being artistic. pathetic i know, but i tried = ) tonight, i miss him. if you couldn't tell. i can't tell though, right now, if it's him that i miss or merely having a "him." to a certain extent his is my "him" but in all realtiy, nothing could be further from the truth. I read somewhere earlier that telling God you are giving Him your life is worthless. what matters is your actions. saying "God be in control" means nothing unless I actively allow Him to be in control. Even "love God and do as you will" says "DO" not "say." I need to stop talking, stop thinking, stop being me, and start acting, start loving, start living out a will that is greater than my own.

the end.

Wow. now it's a few days later. i'm healthy, thanks to sleeping in till 2 yesterday and 11 today. nice. i have a big exam tomorrow. sans studying i'm quite nervous. but, really, if i was that nervous i would be studying and not blogging in my pj's thinking aobut going to sleep. so. if i fail, it's from a lack of caring.

at 3:15 tomorrow i am going to the dermatologist. yes. the skin doctor. so that he can look at my skin cancer. and tell me (hopefully) that i'm a drama queen, and i have no skin cancer, only sun damage. then he will scold me for not wearing sun block and tell me that i will get skin cancer if i am not more careful in the future. in all reality, that's probably what will happen, but i am still quite nervous about it all.

TP needs prayer. he's in a apathetic, melancholy, blah phase (we all have them) and needs passion and boldness. so, pray for him if you think about it. i wish that i could fix him...like if i had magic hugs that just made everything better for him. but, it's more God that he needs and not girl. so i just need to lay off and stop taking everything so personally. really, i should be thinking about my own relationship with God, and making IT stronger. that's what this whole no boyfriend till christmas thing is all about anyway, and i am slacking. hard core. i try just enough to be able tos ay that i try. not enough to actually be building a relationship. I'm sorry God, that's sucls a lot. it's unfair to You. Please, help me. Really...i want to know You SO SO SO SO much....for some reason, i can't motivate myself. I need You, Lord. I need Your voice, Your love, and Your presence. Please, come and rescue me from myself. thank You. amen.

I guess that's all for now. time to get to bed.