crazy crazy day today. i have totaly been babysitting since 9 o'clock this morning. it's 10:15 and i am not getting off till 8 tomorrow. really, i don't have much to complain about. no tv is kind of a hardship, but that is lessened by the internet connection and PHENOMINAL children. really, they're great. they listen, they obay, they offer to help. it's great. i feel weird with the 12 (almost 13) year old boy around just because of the whole puberty thing and i'm a girl with not-so-small boobs. i just stay dressed and modest adn i hope that everything is ok. it's hard for me to tell when to just not be around for him, you know? like i want to be here if he wants to go anywhere, but at the same time, when i was in 7th grade i wanted nothing to do with authority of any kind. i could "do it all myself." Well, at least it's only two days and we have managed to keep oursleves quite busy today. actually, i am exhausted. so at 10 20 on a saturday night, i bid you all good night = ) WOAH

Somedays i wish that i could just keep my big mouth shut. does that ever happen to anyone else? cause it certainly happens to me. i'm especially bad about it when it comes to he and i. ARGH!

anyway, last night at habitat--if you live in/near the nw suburbs you need to find out about this group, freaking awesome--i realized that i may still feel like "Helen who?" but, really, it's ok because my hope for the future is in the Lord. A creator and savior that has never failed and will never fail. so, i feel empty and worthless and hurt. everyone does at some point in their life. what helps me deal is the fact that the darkness ends, the sun rises every morning, and God is "I Am." So, despite my inward crappyness i have had a couple of genuinely good, happy, smiling days.

maybe one of these days i will learn to tame my dramatism...it's such a part of who i am though...if i can learn to shut up, then i can stay dramamtic = ) who really knows, right? I exaggerate to cope and to remove myself from situations inorder to analyze and make choices...so, i've rationalized it. too bad now ; )

that's all

Helen Who?
(tonight, this is me)

I wish I was impervious to the pain and to the confusion and to the ever-growing knot that resides in my stomach. lodged
there...pulsating, nawing away at my better judgement, self-respect, and joy. No, instead i remain exposed to everything and anything
that could try to hurt me, and am unable to recoil as it accomplishes its mission. Ink and page are my only refuge. Ironically writing
heightens emotions--pain, anger, hurt, and fear become overwhelming. There are no tears--the would require a self. I have disappeared.
Remaining is the pulsating mass that once sought to conquer my body. More than accomplishing its mission, I am destroyed,
anhialated; now, nonesixtent. Still, I hurt.

Those are my thoughts from tonight. not exactly happy, sorry. but then again, neither am I. I need sleep and answers, answers and sleep...more sleep than anything else I guess. Rest brings a new perspective--at least that's what they say. good night.

We're not friends. he and i. not at the moment. nope. why? because...ummm...i'm frustrated, and not good and giving him space. so, we can't be friends. executive decision. not that it'll fly for long, but yesterday and today, not friends. erica and i want to go on a road trip to buffalo with alex and him, hopefully we'll be friends again by then. who am i kidding really? the fact is that he hurt my feelings on friday, and i'm not over it yet; both of us are excurtiatingly over-confused about our relationship, where it is, where it's going, and where it SHOULD be going; neither of us quite know how to deal with the insecurities or obsurities of our friendship. he's the guy, and he needs space, so i have to back off and just keep away till he comes to find me. great, cause i'm so patient. what if he never comes looking? well, then i guess that will be God telling me it's time to say good bye. which of course i will have to do far removed and internally, since he won't be around to actually verbalize a good-bye to....

anyway, i'm procrastinating homework. and writing all this is just getting me more upset about it. really, i'm ok, perfectly happy...just confused, sad, and a little hurt. nothing that won't blow over = ) now, my business textbook awaits. yipee.