there is so much to say, yet so few words. i have so many thoughts and so few conclusions. so many needs yet so little motivation to fulfill them. so many convictions yet so little power to hold to them. desires without direction. longings without dreams. pain without reason. happiness wihtout joy. love without God....that's not right. the only reason that i can love is God. we love BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US. i'm just lost i guess. lost and seeking...with my eyes closed.

I went to Ravinia last night with Penny, Kristen, Krista, Matt, Ray, Mike, Jake, and this guy from penny's work--John. We went to see Tony Bennet. It was a lot of fun...i was in a quiet mood--go figure! it was weird. mike thought i was angry or frustrated or something...which i guess isn't eniterly far from the truth. it is extremely difficult to monitor my actions/thoughts/feelings. i went the shut up and just listen to everyone else route. ray ended up talking with me most of the two mile walk back to our cars....it reminded me of the days last spring when i used to talk with kim about him as potential....whatever. you can see why last night was confusing for me now. i just wish that God would drop a leaflet in my lap that explains at least the next 4 years of my life...but i'm a control freak and if He doesn't lead me one step at a time He knows that i'll lose Him in the shuffle. I'm glad that Someone knows me.....it makes it more ok that i don't know myself.

I need to work on myself. No. Rewind. God needs to work with me on myself so much before i can even begin to legitimately think about my future or anything else. I just wish that He would hurry up and start....No. Rewind. I wish that i would hurry up and let Him start. I have this sneaking suspision that He's been trying to work in me for a long time and i've just ignored it. that eats rocks (and various other enamel-damaging substances). I'm looking forward to next week. it will be easier for me to take time to myself. i have seven days of being at hom starting tomorrow at 2, before shool starts. that's some heavy duty work time. both metaphysically and physically. i have a HUGE speeding ticket that i need to pay off, and even more huge psychological issues with which to deal before classes resume. at least, steph, youll be back in town soon and starbucks will once again soothe my soul.....you actually do the soothing i think, starbucks is just the setting.

anywy i should go and post this before mike walks in. i don't want him to know where this site is...he doesn't want to know either. I'm trying hard to avoid an accidnetal finding out. more later. i love you steph (and kim i love you too, if you ever get to read this). bye for now.

so his mom is dying, I think. michael's mom, that is. not his biological mother, but the mom that raised him through junior high and high school, i think. he won't tell me much about what is going on... we haven't actually talked about it on the phone, just through emails. i guess he just found out last night, and he was supposed to meet with her today. he just said that she is very sick and that he might be moving back home to take care of her, but that the family is trying to keep the nature of her illness private for the time being. which is completely understandable, although it seems kind of weird that he doesn't feel like he can elaborate to me, seeing as how i've never met these people, you know? but i asked him if he wanted me to be actively involved in asking questions and making sure he's okay or whether he would prefer i left him alone while he sorted through this stuff, and he said he just needed some space. so that's kind of tough. knowing that he's hurting and not really being able to do a damn thing about it, except pray. which is probably better than anything i could do otherwise, but it just doesn't seem like it.