Now that AC is over...well, i don't really know what to say (not much new there). What most impressed me this weekend was that being numb is sometimes more comfortable than being right. I was apparently completely disallusioned about my own emotional fitness, instead of being "better" it just wasn't. And i liked it. I'm sure one day i will be oh so glad that the calluses have been ripped off of my heart but now is not that time. Now it is time to learn to worship with all my heart soul mind and strength despite my circumstances and the status of my psyche. I know that God is willing and abe to heal everythign that hurts so much in my life right now. That is the means by which i can celebrate Him as removed from present circumstances. I've completely changed my mentailty and am agreeing with stephanie's theory of friendships from relationships. it doesn't work, and probably never will. And for some reason i have this over whelming urge to tell Tomato Paste to go F*** himself, and this subconsious sense that my saying that to him will make everything better. I know it's not true, and that by dwelling on it, i'm only making myself a worse person--maybe one of you will tell him for me?

This prayer Kim posted, i've read it before. It cuts into my soul. the first part, all of the things that we as humans desire, are the things that truly keep us from being Christ-like, and knowing Him more. His sould purpose on this earth was to serve us, to make us better people, to helo us; he came knowing and expecting everyone to hate him...that is so opposite of our nature as people...it's difficult for me to fathom. I pray that as the Lord works in my heart that the ideal presented (i think by AW Tozer) would become a natural consequence of achieving true intimacy with the Lord.

It's been an incredibly long weekend. i think my rationality was shot on wednesday afternoon, so there's not much hope for it at this moment. which means i should just take this opportunity to shut up. I love you girls. God bless you richly and abundantly.

Last thought--should we invite jeanna to be a fellow blogging friend? lemme know.

So...hmmm. I'm going to tell you all about my day thus far. Interesting and, well, interesting.

I woke up and got myself ready for school, after watching a video from 1974 on Chemical Bonds in the library i went to the chemistry deptartment to study for my impending exam. When i got there two of my classmates were sitting and asked me to join them. For some reason they started talkinga bout how many women hugh heffner has had in his life, yes, sex. did i mention i was talking with two guys? they thought is was so incredible and envious that a man could sleep with so many women. ICK. and that's what i said, "ick." immediately the converstaion turned into a huge discussion about biblical views of sex before marriage. Yeah. My first arguement about sex before marriage yay or nay since.....high school. i was rather uncomfortable with the whole thing and kept trying to change the subject, at least keep the focus off of me personally. i answered everythign with "the biblical principles say..." needless to say i was gratefull when class started.

How could this rather disturbing conversation be a good thing? Well, it made me realized how much "better" i am....meaning healed. Of course the whole charade made me think about "tomato paste" and whatnot but i didn't come away feeling overly depressed, or guilty....just regretful and kind of sad...that's a good thing. Just thought i'd share that with you girls. It's an interesting phenomina to be faced with something so avoided only to realize that God has done a lot undercover. Makes me smile.

Steph...amen. i'm starting to seriously contemplating a cessation of all relations with Tomato Paste...i think you all can guess who i mean. Really, why do i have to put up with it. The least interested party controls the relationship...a really insightful girl told me that once...it's time for me to be in control = ) Besides, God would appreciate the attention a whole heck of a lot more. must go study more chem.

hey kids... it's good to see you. it's been a rather relaxing evening tonight. a workout, some chinese food, the company of a good friend... who could ask for more? i just finished a conversation with "him." for the sake of confidentiality, let's call "him" Juice Tin. i dunno. it's so frustrating sometimes knowing what to do after a relationship has ended, especially when you still care and value the person. part of you wants so badly to maintain any sort of relationship and yet doing so may tear you apart. is it worth your heart to try and salvage a friendship from a relationship such as this? I don't think that my case is quite that severe, at least not right now. It has only been a month since Juice Tin and I called it quits, and I'm not shattered. I'm not torn apart. I am, however, frustrated, because I am going through that period in situations like these where exes (if you could call Juice Tin and I that) who decide to remain friends are rather awkward.

Obviously the way that you communicate has to change because the nature of the relationship has changed. You don't ask the same questions, fearing they might be too personal and indicate that you might really still love the other; you don't make the same jokes or allusions to past experiences also for the aforementioned reason. In fact, you usually don't make references to the past at all except perhaps in a dash of biting sarcasm intended to make the other party feel bad about the termination of the relationship. And really, if the person does not communicate in the same manner or to the same extent as he or she did in the past, then a large portion of the foundation of the relationship has been shot to pieces because you came to adore that person's personality and character through the way they communicated. All this said, one of the reasons why it must be so hard for people to remain friends after a break up is because after it, really it is essential that both parties act quite different around one another, both knowing that the other person is naturally capable of being someone they like but has changed to accomodate a break up. Example: the ending of our relationship requires Juice Tin to not care as much about my day to day life (and vice versa), which was something I cherished. Knowing his "potential", I just don't really like the idea of us being friends because a Juice Tin who doesn't care about me so personally is really just another male acquaintance, and I have enough of those to feed a small army of cows. That example seems kind of selfish, but you get the picture.

so i'm not really sure now what to think or feel. do I still have feelings for Juice Tin? I suppose to some extent I do, though not nearly to the amount as I did perhaps a month ago. I don't really think about what could have been, but more what does what happened say about me and the way I handle relationships and the way other people handle relationships? It's an interesting case study. Regardless, I do miss Juice Tin. and that's okay. alrighty, i'm going to stop talking about myself and go to bed.

And hello again friends. Not much new right now. i had some fun with steph this afternoon working out at the Y. thanks steph and melinda. AND i finally got my hands on some jason upton. i can't say that complaining never got me anything = )

Things are generally good...yeah. they are. God is so faithful. i just hope that one day i will honor Him appropriately. It's so easy to fail Him. Makes me all the more greatful for mercy. well, i have to go get some chemistry lodged in my brain. love you girls. talk to you later

hello and hello. there is something amazing about grain. did you know that? right now i'm eating bread that has more protein in it than carbohydrates...phenominal!of course i reduse it's nutritional stability by putting 3 tablespoons of butter on it, but still...crazy good stuff. i don't have much productive to say, so i think that i'm going to go now. have a marvelous night.