there's a reason God put you girls in my life...thank you for being here, and knowing me when i don't know myself. I love you both so much

well friends, it's been awhile since i've posted. really it's just because of busyness. sheer and utter busyness. but it is indeed saturday morning...err... afternoon, and i've awoken after approximately 12 hours of sleep. that's right. 12 HOURS. i woke up at 1-- about 20 minutes ago. WHEEEE. feels so good. first time i've done that since i didn't have a job! and, can i just say... the weather is GORGEOUS outside! it's a great day to be alive!

on to other things... dialectical tension. very interesting concept. and i can definitely see how it comes into play in different relationships. It's funny though how once we hear about such a theory we try to go back and apply it to every relationship we've ever had and pin point, "THAT'S why we broke up." hee hee. dialectical tension is probably generally harder on women because we usually have to go through the feeling shafted phase first i think. maybe not... i dunno. i'm thinking about how or if this applies to Juice Tin and I, and i can see instances in which it did. hmmmm....

can I just say, girls, that I think I'm completely over Juice Tin? the past couple weeks I've just been noting how i feel about him when I think of him, and really, i'm pretty sure that I have no desire for a relationship with him anymore. like i was thinking yesterday, what would I do if he changed his mind and decided he wanted me back, how would i respond? and, to my surprise, i think i would decline the offer. i mean, I couldn't answer for sure unless i was actually put in a situation where that was an issue, but I don't really look forward to the moment. I think i'm driving to massachussetts in June to go see my grandparents, though, and the opportunity may arise in which I get to see him again, and I'm thinking that it would be good for me... therapeutic, even... to just sort of see him again and realize in person that, no, he's really not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. now that all the emotion and novelty of our "break up" has worn off. this new development (the "getting over" stage) brings up some interesting questions and observations.

1) First of all, wow. it's only been 6-7 weeks since I said, "it's over" in the airport when i didn't want to, and everything's cool. That is the fastest that I've "gotten over" someone that I really cared about without there being a bona fide new boy prospect present. Why is it so much easier? Maybe because I was a ton more careful about guarding my heart?
2) Was it so much easier to guard my heart because, in all truthfulness, I really never stopped caring about... umm... you know. HLLKJH. the answer to this question is a loud and resounding MAYBE. so the following question would be, is that bad? i wonder if God just gets fed up with me sometimes and gives me an earthly means to fulfill a spiritual command because I wouldn't otherwise, or if it's really okay. Like if there was no question in my mind that I didn't still have feelings for HLLKJH, would that have affected how I proceeded to guard my heart in my relationship with Juice Tin? Would I have been more inclined to throw myself into it? So was God like, "**sigh** well, I GUESS she's not going to guard her heart going into this one, either, so **sigh** I GUESS I'll have to leave that roadblock between her and Juice Tin." I mean, I don't THINK that that is how it was, but I guess I can never be too sure. in any event, HLLKJH has unknowingly protected me quite a bit. God bless him. he might just be getting closer to being a man by the day.

anyway, all that said, i now think to helen and tomato paste, and i realize that that emotional attachment is somewhat similar to, though i'm sure to a further extent, what I had with HLLKJH. and i am familiar with so many of the thoughts that go with it... the wanting to be friends stage, the i hate your guts stage, the how could you do this to me stage, etc., etc. it's been over two years and i still think about it sometimes, you know? it's been such a long process, and I can't imagine that it will be shorter for you, helen. i pray that it will be, but it's tough. i think that one of the final steps in the process, though, is realizing that i shouldn't make anything happen with any guy. It's first and foremost God's intervention that will determine that and then the guy's. and, in all honesty, as hard as it initially is not to call at all or not to write as much, it is easiest in the long run because I don't feel rejected when the guy doesn't respond the way I wanted him to when I wrote the email or made the call, you know? i say this to you, helen, because i see you doing exactly what I did when things ended between HLLKJH and I. I wanted to be friends so badly with him... wanted to share a conversation, a smile, etc... because I couldn't bear to lose him. but really i wanted to be friends because i wanted there to be a relationship again. there ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT DESIRE, but in hindsight, it would have been so much better just to not have acted on it at all. maybe your motivations are different, but honestly, there are many ways in which i think you and i are very much alike, so i feel compelled to address it anyway.

my brain is about to explode so I need to go... i love you girls so much and i will talk or hear from you soon, i'm sure...

Dialectical tension. What exactly is dialectical tension, you may be asking…well, I personally didn’t know what it was until last night in Speech 200 (Interpersonal Communication). We were talking about **dun da dun** intimacy. Yes, intimacy, but not just sex, there are three other kinds you know. So, we started talking about dating relationships and why so many of them end. Dialectical tension is related to the cycles of distance and closeness inherent in every relationship. We labeled the cycles 1:hold me tight 2: put me down, and 3: leave me alone. Now, as we discussed, many new relationships end when this dialectical tension comes into play because couples feel as though the relationship is broken beyond repair when, in actuality, the two people are merely at different stages of closeness. If one person is in “hold me tight” while the other is in “put me down,” or “leave me alone,” then the one in “hold me tight” feels like there bust be something wrong with the relationship because the other person doesn’t feel like being physically close. It has been observed that if a relationship can get through a few cycles of these three stages, that eventually the couple will share each stage at the same time, making dialectical tension minimal, and the relationship can progress smoothly.


Obviously, there was more to mere dialectical tension in my relationship with Tomato Paste, a good deal of sin messed everything up first…but this is one of those things that made me go “hmm.” I’m wondering if anything will ever happen between T.P. and I…and I really mean ANYTHING—like having a conversation, or saying a genuine hello, or sharing a smile…let alone anything else. I’m not sure if I care…well, that’s a lie. I do care, basically a lot. But I’m not going to let that rule my life. Cause that’s stupid, and really I’m sick of being stupid.


I love you both very much, thanks for being my friends = ) have a great night.

Here i am, it's 10:25 or something like that, i have to get up at 6 cause i haven't showered in i can't remember how many days...yet i'm posting on the blogger. Steph and i were talking tonight about what would happen if the "guys" found out about this sight. I've redecided that it would STINK SO MUCH I WOULD PROBABLY FALL OVER, and then never blog here again = ) anyway, that's not really what i came to blog about. after i left the dorm tonight i started thinking about what my husbad will be like. really i have no clue...i started making a list. a real one, not one that i pull out of my butt because someone asks me what i want...but i'm actually thinking about this...i only have a few things so far, but i'm going to add to the list as this progresses.
1) he has to be a man, who knows how and when to act like a boy
2) he has to love me second only to God
3) he has to want to be with me second only to God
4) he has to be willing to forgive me for all the crap that i unwittingly have done to him
5) he has to know how to honor and respect me, while being the leader in our relationship.
6) he has to bring me a white lily for my wellspring of life vase, and take me to the botanic garden (without me telling him that i want to go)
7) he has to surprise me with a car trip to see stars in the middle of nowhere
8) he has to be exactly the man that God has chosen for me
9) he has to love the fact that sometimes i'm loud and obnoxious and understand that i do so in the times that i most want to run away and hide
10) he has to know where i run away to when things get too hard, and come find me and just sit down and pray for me, then get up and leave. just like that

my list is a lot longer than i thought originally. i should stop now before i go crazy = ) i love you girls i am gonna go get some sleep i think....kim, i miss seeing you. maybe next week i can come visit or something...we can pray for brothers, and ourselves...it's been forever since we've prayed together. that should change...steph me and you too. it really should. we're sisters afterall. ok, tangent over. sleep tight!

So, there's this blog i read everyonce in a while. a girl from souled out posts her journal on her website...so i read it when i'm bored, or procrastinating (both of which are occuring right now). so anyway, she wrote this poem a while ago and posted it on her site...i really wanted to email it to mike, be proud of me i'm merely posting it here to share with my two best friends. (emailing it to mike would not be gracious one bit) love you both. (i'm inwardly hoping that one of you will copy paste it and email it to mike...yes, it's a girl two minutes, i'll get over it)


Lemonade and Rocking Chairs

Perhaps we’ll laugh together someday
You and I, reminiscing and laughin
Way things were
Funny life
Ironic
We’ll sit on the front porch
Sipping lemonade
and rocking in rocking chairs
shooting the breeze
While my kids play out front in the lawn
And my husband works out back in the garage
And we’ll remember that fleeting moment
The glimmer that was
That short time that
Our parallel tracks in life
Merged to one force
One line
One life
The small period that never lasted
Miniscule in comparison to
The years our bond has endured


We’ll smile and rock
You’ll comment on the weather
I’ll yell at my children from my chair
And we’ll both remember
pretend to forget
That brief period
In which
We filled in the gaps together
And all was complete
but nothing is complete


we'll smile and rock
You'd ask me what I was thinking about
I would say "nothing"
But maybe something...
Maybe I’d wonder what it’d be like to make you dinner
Perhaps you’d wish to know the feeling of kissing me goodnight
Suppose we both pondered how it would be to sit on the couch
side by side
the end of a long day
A shared and comfortable silence
Watching the nightly news
and doing a crossword puzzle from the paper
Together
We’d go to church on Sundays
Go out to dinner on Fridays
Visit our grandkids on Saturdays
And spend Mondays through Fridays in love
But tomorrow you’ll be home again
And the only one kissing me goodnight will be my husband
Who loved my chicken pot pie that night
And was proud that I thought of the 10 letter word for “lacking a part”


But we'll smile and rock
you and i
until is gets dark
(the sun already set on us)
I'll herd my kids to the bathroom
to wash hands before dinner
as your stand up and straighten yourself out
my husband will bid you farewell
outstretched hand to shake
his covered in grease and oil
yours in envy and regret
and i'll stand on that porch
watching you drive away
and remembering that the 10 letter word
i n c o m p l e t e
will be the state of my life
until we meet again

and hello. just wanted to make it known for everyone and anyone that i had a good day today, let me rephrase that. i was in a good mood today. phenominal. praise the Lord!

well well girls...i have a challenge here. It's not for you two actually, it's for me...but i have a feeling that i'm going to need a lot of help with it. today at church daryl gave some homework. he was talking about the grace and mercy of God and the last part of his message was how to live in it (God's grace and mercy) he asked everyone to pick one person to that we need to work on showing gracea nd mercy to. you'll never guess who i had to choose...oh wait, yes you will and probably already have. This presents a huge challenge to me i think...he was the only person i could think of for like five minutes, so i guess that God isn't give me a way out of this one. i've been praying about it all afternoon (as i pretend to do this massive project (which i'm half-butting by the way, and i think i'll still get and A on....i love community college!) and i just used parenthesis within a parentheseis and i don't know how to get rid of it...oh, here). backto the challenge at hand. i feel like the two of us really need to not interact as much as possible for the next however long it takes to really be healed. but some interaction is going to be unavoidable...i think my best conclusion as to how to be gracious and merciful to him is by staying away as much as possible without intentionally avoiding. i hope you girls understand what i mean here. i can't be an ass when we see each other, and i also can't be an ass by shoving mself into his life, where it shouldn't be...something i'm kind of good at (meaning bad at i guess). so that's my challenge, i'm tursting that God will reveal more to me regarding how to deal with this situation...idealy i still would like for both of us to grow up a lot and be magically right for each other...and yet the way things stand right now, there's not a chance in a hot place. I'm relying on the promises God has made...yeah. that's about all i can incoherently spit out right now...it's been on my mind since church and i wanted to share it. back to project time now. love you both so so so much.