I HAVE OFFICIALLY MOVED. since steph and kim don't post here....and i'm not going away anytime soon, i set up a new home for myself at

beingreal.diaryx.com

so, go there to hear about my life and whatnot. if nothing else, it has a nicer background = ) i'll post this long one benether here there, so don't worry about missing it. that's all.

Ever have a story to tell, but no way to tell it....even if you could find the words to explain the pictures in your head, there isn't a soul in the universe that would understand?

Yeah...

Like, the Captain Vegetable Song from Sesame Street that no one remembers but Elisabeth and I....or everything that happened in my life during the last four days...

It's a strange life...every has claim to say that i suppose. today, i feel like my right is more than the next guy.

I'm not quite sure of anything, i know that all i wanted today for some reason was maccaroni and cheese and for no clear reason it was absolutely impossible for me to get maccaroni and cheese. weird.

I never liked playing pretend. Never "house" or "doggies" or even Barbies. I always worked on practivel things--like being different from my sister, and building lego machines for James. Now, it seems that all I have is pretend. my whole persona is merely a creation of my imagination...sort of. I want to go back to the honesty and simplicity of my childhood, then i think about it, and then I change my mind. I want to move forward...if all the lies are behind me, there has to be truth in front of me. a reality that hasn't been formulated by my thoughts, instead by The Creator. There are histories to be written and lives to be changed. I have responsibilities in the real world out there. outside of my day-dreams, my day-terrors. Still it is easy to sit in a self-induced (drug-induce) coma of thought, and drama, and semantics, and guilt. That needs to change.

If all the world is really a stage, i'd like to be the janitor who sweeps up after the audience leaves. put me behind the scenes, without the make up, without the lines, without the characters and the directors.

In the beginning was God.

Truth.

A plan.

I need to find that plan, i need to find that Truth. Above all, i need to find God.

And not the god that is plastered on the overhead screen on Sunday morning, and not the god who is glued on the back of cars in the shape of a chrome-colored plastic fish. Not the god who people use as a scape-goat or a modifier in thier cusses.

I need to find God. The one true God. The one who cares for the lilies, and the sparrows, the one who loves with the love in 1 Chorinthians 13. The one who has walked beside me every second of my life waiting for me turn and say hello without pretending, without a mask, without everything but me.

Even if i never discover who "I" am, i MUST discover who He is.



These white pills are NOT kind.

I have to sleep.