umm, steph, let me let you know how i feel about that....well, i guess i will when i have an actualy opinion on it. i think that michael is a nice, kind guy...i don't really think that i know him well enough to actually make any further judgement. i don't know if i liked the way that he loked at you when he was here to visit--then again he is rather enamored of you. hmm. well, i guess we'll see in time. i'm glad that he is more insightful than most young men/boys these days = )

today was, interesting to say the least. but i don't really feel like expostulating on the events of moving, i am going to talk about other things. = )

this afternoon, i started looking for airfares to little rock arkansas!!! so exciting. i still need about 150 more miles off my credit card to have the ticket taken care of, hopefully they'll kick in before i have to purchase the tickets. a weeknight fligt (with a layover) from chicago to little rock costs $554.50! can you belive that!?!?!?!? so much money! but with the miles i ahve now i can get a flight for $157. hopefully i will have to pay $0. that would rock my face off. the only draw back (besides missing the first four days of our seven day vacation--suck!) is a three hour drive from little rock to fairfield bay, which my loveing friends will have to make inorder to get me. ick. i hope that i can miss class at least one day so that i can come on monday, we shall see what we shall see. so, i'm getting excited about our road trip, and more excited about prom....it'll be so much fun! maybe some guys will decide to join us...on prom i mean.

anyway, steph, thanks for praying. i needed it hard core. i'm off to finish off my day with family and babysitting...talk to you later

wow. I spent a good long time on the phone tonight. from approximately 8:15 to 11:45 or so. that's three and a half hours of solid conversation with various people. i feel almost productive. i think my longest conversation was with michael, and for some reason we the entire time talking about his past relationships. i just found it really interesting, so I kept asking questions, and thus it dominated the topic of conversation. this guy gets hit on more than any other guy I know, and when he talks about it it's never in an "i'm-a-rock-star-so-i'm-a-stud" sort of way. it's hilarious... maybe all the women are attracted to his shaved arms and legs (tee hee hee), i dunno... but he just seems to handle it with such grace and integrity.

you know, i'm starting to learn to appreciate him more and more. we had a heart to heart last night that just kind of hit me upside the head. we were talking non-chalantly and he often makes a point of saying that he thought about me today and that he misses me, and I appreciate it, i do, but occasionally I just feel like saying to him, "you barely know me. why don't you spend our phone conversations asking me questions about my life and figure me out before you start in with the sappiness." and basically that's what I said to him last night... not so harshly, mind you... but I was just frustrated that he says he's so interested, but if that was true then why would he be satisfied just with knowing what I did today and not the things that really make me who I am. I expressed that concern, and his basic reply was, "Steph, you and I build relationships differently. I HAVE learned an awful lot about you in the month and a half/two months that we've been talking frequently... most importantly I'm starting to figure out that your primary "love language" is quality time. you determine the breadth of someone's affection for you (and consequently tend to return care) by how much time you spend talking and the sort of conversations that you have. i'm going to have to pay more attention to that, but in the meantime you should know that the way I express and receive affection is through verbal affirmation. That's what I'm doing when I tell you that I miss you and that I think of you. It's not meant to be cheap or repetitive at all, it's just letting you know that I still care, just like what you're doing when you ask me lots of questions about my life-- you're trying to show me that you care." (it shouldn't really be quoted, cuz it wasn't exactly like that... but along those lines)

so i'm sitting in my car after he says this and i'm just thinking BY GOLLY, HE'S FREAKING RIGHT. I think that was the most intelligent thing he could have ever said. What an epiphany. What I perceive as being the "right" way to build relationships is "right" BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I DO IT. wow. i mean, maybe this isn't news to everyone else, but it's so interesting to me. I was so impressed with this insight I could have kissed him. He DOES pay attention. He IS figuring me out, just not the way I usually figure people out. It just kind of blew me away.

anyway, that's the drama for now. the more i find out about michael the more I really enjoy him. he really is a quality person. i need to get some sleep... but I'll be praying for you Helen... I love you and I'll talk to you... later today. :)

in seven and a half hours i will be confronted with my greatest challenge in the past 5 months. Penny is moving tomorrow. That is not the challenge, i'm strong, nordic, and such. No the problem lies within the other help that will be there. Mike, matt, jake, jared (i think), ray, kristen, and the list continues on and on with people that are no the most easy for me to get along with....although jake and i seem to get along quite well. On top of this social conundrum, my mom and both sisters will be there too. so, it's ten to midnight, i have to wake up some time between 530 and 6 and then be personable for a good twelve hours with all of these people that hurt my feelings all of the time. solution? caffiene. yes, you heard me right. at least my drug abuse habit can't get me arrested = )diet dr pepper is going to be my best friend otmorrow. will it border on drug abuse? absolutely, but i'll make it through the day with a smile--which is the solitary goal. really i'm very nervous about the whole thing. i miss peace, joy, love, rest, and all of the other things that i once knew so well. hopefully i will find them again soon.

awwww Helen... I love you so much. I really have no idea what to say to your blog but I just love you. And I miss you. And I love that we've gotten to spend the past year in closer proximity to each other. When I became a Christian and lost my "best friend" Kim in eighth grade, I eventually started asking God for another. Of course He intended to be my closest companion, but even with that in mind I always asked for another *female* friend that I could without reservation call a "best friend." Sometimes that sounds so seventh grade, but really I was just thinking tonight how wonderfully God answered that prayer when you and I became friends. I love that in three years we really have so many memories and stories to enjoy and remember. I know we both would have survived and probably been just fine had we not met, but I cannot explain how much you have just added to my life. I know this is starting to sound like we are in a serious dating relationship and I'm about ready to propose, so I'll wind down my string of thoughts, but I just wanted you to know how much I love you. ;) goodnight.

swear words swear words swear words. ewww. that was me swearing and then being disgusted with myself (incase you couldn't get that one). i suck at life. of course i know that's not true always, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now. habitat tonight--matt spoke on love (as the topic relates to the movie Moulin Rouge) it was good. He spoke well, despite the mistakes he made when describing the plot = ) As i'm sure you lovely ladies have noticed, i haven't really been Helen too much lately. Helen meaning "Carrier of the Light." IT's frustrating me more and more each second, but the more i try to fix things the worse off i seem to become (this is most likely due to the fact that my eyes are being progressively opened to the enormity of the clean-up task ahead of me). moreover...there is no moreover really. basically i do not like who i am right now, and i am frustrasted with my seemingly inability to do anything to change who i am. at habitat, during the worship time, i snuck out to read my Bibile in better light.. I turned to 1 Chor 13 (all about love) and had a shockingly unpleasant revelation--in my present state of affairs, i am incapable of loving. I am the antithesis of everything that the passage describes as love...so bassically, i suck. Of course, i know that my revalation is a hyperbole of actuality--i am capable of loving, and i know that God loves me (despite myself), i love you girls and my family...but i keep getting stuck on the biblical definition of love. patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not easily angered.....all of these things, i emulate the opposite. it makes me very very very disappointed. So after i sit an wallow in my own self-pity (hmm, not self-centered is one of them too, great) i turned back to song of songs, and found a paraphrased version of a propchey God had spoken over me in late january...the powerful message penetrated my heart...only magnifying my recognition of my failures and faults. basically, i'm in a bad mood. thanks for listening

how could she go to work every day if she was an
alcoholic? if she only drinks wine, well then it's not
so bad. if we say anything to your mom she's going to
be offended, you know she doesn't take criticism well.
we've always been the ones that our kids could come
and talk to if they had problems, so we don't like to
get involved because if we do they might not like us
anymore. all teenagers go through some sort of
rebellious stage with their parents. you know she
really wants a relationship with you but you just want
to be independent. you know you haven't been around
for the past four years. maybe if you would spend all
of your time in Des Moines she wouldn't drink so much.

words of wisdom from my grandparents

what kind of bulls**t is that to pull?

so, tonight. hmm. lately i've been feeling a lot like the staind song "its been a while" lyrics go...but mostly in a covnersation with God. it came on the radio in the car on the way home tonight...here's what made me cry.

Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

It's been awhile since I could
Look at myself straight
It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
It's been awhile since I've seen the way
the candles light your face
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste

But everything I can't remember
As f****d up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

It's been awhile since I could
Hold my head up high
And It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry...

here i am. crying. thanks steph--i think.

we've got some time
before the sun comes up
to shed some tears
for the love we never thought we'd lose
when the morning wakes
you can put back on a smile
for all the world to see
that you were never weak

but for now, it's still okay to cry
it's still okay to grieve
you don't have to be so strong
so that no one will believe
that you bleed too

the night is still so young
no need to hurry
to fall asleep again
and arise feeling the same
the pain may never
be worth what it cost
but it won't always linger so near
won't always hurt so bad

you know it's still okay to cry
it's still okay to grieve
it's still okay to ache inside
it's still okay to bleed