i don't think grace makes scars disappear. i think grace is what makes them beautiful. A scar is a reminder that a rather invasive wound has healed. It looks different, yes, but it is no longer a wound. I think perhaps grace is the mechanism that makes a wound a scar, and that if you are constantly haunted by unwise past decisions you've made or hurt by wrongs committed against you, then maybe that injury is not a scar yet. The scar is a reminder of the event which caused it, but more than that it can be a reminder of the grace which healed the wound. and THAT is beautiful.

There's something extrememly intimidating about having friends, well...acquaintances that you spend time with on a regular basis, know things about me and my life that i have not chosen to disclose to them. T.P. assures me that they will think no less of me...i beg to differ. not that there has been any solid evidence reinforcing my opinions. Accountability is important, i know. I pushed TP to share these things with "them." They need to know, or it will happen again. PROBLEM! a pastor and a jezabel and i feel like crap. Oddly, not as horrible as i once expected (while hiding in the realms of non-emotionalism). Still, i'm afraid to cry, to be afraid, to be excited...hermitism does not sound appealing, so i need to suck up my fear and get on with life. I'm nervous about seeing Roberta this week at camp. I've dissapointed her, and i know it. She won't treat me too differently...i don't think. although she is rather old fashioned....no, she understands life and choices and also grace. something i haven't quite wrapped my brain around yet.

About michael...i don't really know what to say. it sounds like he's been through a lot....makes me feel silly for complaining and worrying about myself...all i have is a few real scars.maybe one day they'll disappear. nonetheless, i'll never call them beautiful. important, neccessary, reminders.....yes. but never beautiful. only the grace that makes them disappear in the eyes of my husband will be beautiful as far as that goes.

The song is powerful, poetic...i can't wait to hear it when you're in town steph. i'm sure it's awesome.

camp is soon. God is there...hopefully He will use me despite myself. there are a lot of kids coming with us that need to see Him for real. that's all for now.

no problem, my dear, I did indeed get the jist. ;) although i'm not sure who the guy is that won't hang out with you and Erica because you won't date him. I don't think i've heard that story unless it's Squash, but that was a long time ago and before you and Erica started hanging out a lot i think, so hmmm... I'll have to ask you on the phone.

anyways, so i've written the first song since the "justin is an ass" song that I really like and think is worth including in my repertoire of original songs. it seems as though being in a funk is the only way that I get any decent inspiration... sad, huh? although most musicians i know are like that so i guess it's pretty common. but it's about (common, take a stab at it) michael. On Sunday night before I left we talked about some stuff, and he made some very insightful remarks, which I will share. I was going through each of his songs and asking about the story behind them, and he wrote this one called "have you said too much", about this girl that he adored about 4-5 years ago that he thought he would end up marrying, and one night while she was on the phone with him the doorbell rang at her house, and she asked michael to hang on for a few minutes, and while she was away the chick's mom gets on the line and tells michael that she is out in the driveway kissing another dude. whoa. sucks, huh? so the question that michael asked about this was, what compels people to tell someone that they want to spend the rest of their lives with another person and then turn around and cheat on them? I thought that that was an interesting question. why do we get to the point in a relationship where we feel we can confidently say that we want to spend the rest of our lives with another person? michael seemed to think that in many cases it was said in order to make the opposite party feel secure... those kind of words in themselves suggest a lifetime of security, you know? i just thought that was interesting... secondly, michael has a song called "beautiful scars" which is more or less about some poo he went through with his family awhile back. he was telling me how despite all the hurt and pain that he has caused and experienced, he's learned to see his scars as being beautiful... there's more about that but i can't seem to find appropriate words to describe it, so i'm gonna stop.

anyway, here are the lyrics to the new song, which is called "something glorious", and it's basically about that conversation that we had the night before i left and the complications of a relationship between us, etc. as always, it was written at the pinnacle of emotionalism.

something so profound
about being so close to you i could feel you breathe
but it's so temporary
i know how fragile we are
when we stop concealing our beautiful scars

michael, sing me a lullaby, sing a prayer for us
something beautiful
something glorious

distance spans so wide
and cuts so deep i cried a tear for every mile between us
but it's so temporary
i know we do the best we can
but something always gets in the way
i'm hopeful but i'm scared
that the morning will come and will not find us there

michael, sing me a lullaby, sing me a prayer for us
something beautiful
something glorious
sing me a lullaby and i'll close my eyes
and sleep on through
the sunrise that will lose us
that will lose us

so that's the song. mmhmmm... if you want you can listen to it next week. ;) i loooooove you. over and out.

sorry my typing, spelling, and grammar stink today....i think you'll get the jist anyway = )

I haven't blogged here in a long time...since then, several things have transpired.

-i gave up. again. i stopped caring, stopped feeling, stopped trying to love, or accept love. I suppose this all sounds very melodramtic, and it is.

-I' ve laughed a lot, and made some good friends...although one of hem just decided he wasn't going to hang out with erica and i any more because we wouldn't date him. ARGH.

-I've started to read my Bible again! so far esther, job, and 1 thesalonians have been reinserted into my brain.

-I've stayed out until 4 am with mike talking, and hugging--re-establishing our friendship

-I've decided that numb is dumb, and am working through the emotional turmoil that i find myself in. please keep in mind that "turmoil" in this case does not usually mean bad, crying, ripping hiar out turmoil. it just means that i am very confused, and have lost track of what feeling correlates with what label.

-I've heard "i love you, Helen" and believed it.

-I've fallen into familiarity, and borderline attatchment prematurely

-I've said the word "asshole" in reference to the person that i love the most

-I've lied. yes--send me to hell--lied, to my mom and my dad, on two separate occasions.

-I've realized that when choices in your life make you feel it neccessary to lie to your parents, the choice is not a good one.

-I've shared the love of christ with little children that need to know him

-I've invented a "head hug" that makes Brian, "my" four year old, know that he's loved despite what he lets himself believe

-I've been bestowed beautiful, handmade, plastic and ponybead jewelry my austin, my six year old boy friend = ) and never felt more loved or appreciated.

-I've led a new pastor into a place of the past...and i'm not sure if it's too good. i call myself jezabel, and get called "the best."

-I've decided that i MUST follow my unattatched until Christmas rule to keep myself from being hurt, losing site of God, and getting pregnantn (that last one is just being over dramatic, it happens).

all this, and more...over all, i'm beginning to appreciate myself as a person...and seek God more. I have a lot of maturing to do. shedding numbness has made me aware of certain desires that remain unchanged in my heart. God is going to have to deal with then, one way or another. Everything seems so perfect..........then not at the same time. part of God's will is God's time. i need to learn and accept that the most.

so it's almost 10 pm on a Sunday night. not just any Sunday night, but the last night of my stay in Houston. It's my last chance to spend some time with Michael before I go and who knows when we will see each other again. The past five days have been interesting to say the least, but the more time I get to spend with this mystery that I like to call Michael, the more I really care about him-- the more I see a person that I want to know. The past five days have been completely different than when he came to Chicago... some in good ways, some in bad ways, but my trip here has definitely changed our relationship... all because now we've both been to each other's ends of the earth. I don't know what to say except that I'm not sure I want to go...